'Taking One Day At A Time - Just Winging It '

written by members of Friends in Need

Kim in MI

My children were wonderful. My husband and I had major problems. He was there for me at the beginning, but then things just fell apart for us. I don't really like to talk about it. And when I hear people talk about there wonderful husbands I get really sad.

Mine gave me shots, he sat with me for the surgeries, he cried with me, he did a lot of really good things. But we also had some really bad things happen. We are slowly putting our lives back together. It has been a very slow up hill battle doing it.

Sherri

I am the single mother of a seven year old boy. He was my main concern when I first found out. I wasn't sure what to say to him, or how to handle the situation with him. I was advised to tell him what's going and what to expect, but don't tell him everything. So that I did, I told him the best way I knew how. I also told him that if there ever came a time that he was confused, sad, or worried to come talk to me, and I would explain it to him. And he did.

There were times, especially in the beginning he would ask me questions, I answered him and he went on his way. He is my Angel. He has handled everything really good. Once again, he is my motivation. I love him with all my heart and soul.

SammyS

At the time of my diagnosis, my husband and I had been married for 26 years. We have 2 boys, David was a senior at CMU and Chris was a Freshman. Chris was home for the summer, and was fantastic, coming home from work and cooking dinner for me and dragging me to the mall when I got depressed.

My husband Paul has been a rock through this whole ordeal. He drove me to dr appointments and all my chemos and about half the radiation treatments. He was always positive and encouraging. He was my note taker at the surgeons office when we went in with our list of questions!

Jo in FL

My husband, Paul, was my rock through this rollercoaster ride called breast cancer. He was at my side for my biopsy, at my side when I heard the words "You have cancer", and at my side for every appointment and chemotherapy. He even took me to radiation treatments and became friends and worked jigsaw puzzles with others waiting for their treatments. He knew that I needed rest but would not do it on my own, so almost every day he went to spend time with our grandson, Justin (14 at the time) when Justin got home from school. That was when I napped.

Paul's son Scott (father to Justin and Jessica) and his family were so much support. I wasn't sure about a wig... so they bought me one. They came to the hospital for my surgeries... even the kids. The day I found out my nodes were involved, Mary (Scott's wife) stopped by. She said, "I haven't been able to get you out of my mind all day. Is something wrong?" We immediately prayed for help to get through this... and God answered. The other person in my family who was totally supportive was my sister, Kay.After hearing I had cancer, my first thought was that I was going to die. She listened to me when I said I wanted to die in Florida, then she listened when I said no I wanted to die in North Carolina. And she listened to me when I said I was going to conquer this disease. She listened to all my silliness and just reassured me. Then she and my brother-in-law and nephew drove 3000 miles round trip to see me while I was in treatment. They did this twice. She also sent me books about sisters. They arrived on the Wednesday before chemo and I was not supposed to read them until I was having chemo on Friday.Most of the time I didn't.

I also found another family... FRIENDSINNEED.com... with many family members. The ladies here are so willing to give support, share knowledge, just care. I could not have gotten through my year of treatment without Paul, Kay, and FIN. I will be forever indebted.

Patti 'wack'

I am a single parent of two great and brave teenagers. My son Christopher was 15, and my daughter Carmen was 14. Now as I am NED in the bone mets dept, things have settled down a bit in family, as I start to slowly leave the safety of my home, and work part time.

I tried not to let the kids worry, or take on any adult responsibilities. They deserved to be in the wonderful world of childhood as long as possible. I really had NO family support, except internet Ca. patients and supports, and my kids.

My mother died in '96 of breast cancer, and dad 4 yrs ago. My kids stayed with their Godparents for the first year (during 6 months of chemo and 6 momths of more tests and recuperation.

I do thank God everyday for having them in my life. They live only about 6 miles from my house. They took the school bus from there, and sometimes when I felt better, they would stop the bus at home and spend the night with me. I was put on so many meds, the worse decadron. It made me paranoid and nervous !!! (and fat).

I had phoned my son, and asked him to come home and spend the night with me. I felt awful and frightened all of a sudden all alone in the world. I made him sleep on a mattress beside my bed. It was kinda fun. When I started to lose my hair, I cut it shoulder length to get used to the shorter hair. When I could no longer stand it, I begged my daughter to shave it. She refused, and cried.

After a few days, both kids took turns making me funny cuts, mohawks etc. They saw me bald first...I had waited till the end. We are currently having family counselling through the Fraser Valley Cancer Center. That is why I say that CANCER IS DOABLE, because I did it! All alone. Just me and the good Lord.

I walked with Jesus every step of the way, still and always will. Many times I have silently envied my friends who had a "rock" for a husband, and a mother to come over to comfort them. I prayed to my mother, whom I was very close to, and having the same illness as her. I wanted to share my fears and triumphs with her. She never knew I was ill. I have lost three of my online cancer supporters and friends. Joe, Doug and Christine. Gone but NEVER left my heart. Thank you FIN...you are truly Blessed !! Patti 'Wack" from Chilliwack.

Taybee

My entire family including my husbands family. My dear husband has shown me how much he loves me; no matter what my attitude is at any given moment, he is always very nurturing and understanding, he makes sure to tell me that he loves me every day. My son, my angel, he is very loving and nurturing. During chemo treatment he took me out for walks in the fresh summer evenings.He lives at home but he made sure to call me from work three to four times a day, he still does, he kissed and massaged my bald head every day.

My sisters; I have three and they call me every week. My older sister offered to pay for my treatment since we had no insurance at the time. My Mother in law wired money into our account, she paid for half the radiation treatment, all this without asking.

My Mother calls me all the time and she stayed with me during part of the treatment. She went with me to my radiation treatment every day. My nieces and their husbands, my nephews, everybody showed me how much I mean to them and how much they love me. I never knew that I was loved this much. One year after my diagnosis, my brother and I mended what was a strained relationship, now he calls me almost every day.

SueK

It was touch and go for me and family and friends for a few weeks. I was scared beyond belief, I thought I was going to die, so did my children Kim & Robb, the grandkids were all too small to understand. My husband Bob was the most positive and loving of all. My husband and daughter, as well as my best friend Nancy all insisted on going to my first visit to the oncologist. Thankfully the oncologist welcomed them all and their questions were answered, after my appointment.

At the time my Mom was having extreme health problems of her own and lived approximately 100 miles away. She called me everyday and came down to help and visit as long as her husband could bring her. She was very encouraging and loving. She has since passed away, and I miss her desperately.

My father was having dialysis, and lived in Louisville, but he also called me everyday and he would talk endlessly. I think it was a comfort for him to talk to me everyday, I know it was for me. He also has passed away and I miss him just as much.

My brother lives in Maryland and when I told him of my dx he broke down and cried. He had already lost his sister-in-law to breast cancer, and his father-in-law to brain cancer. He comes all the way out to California as often as he can, which is every few months.

I was extremely blessed to have so much support. One of my absolute miracles was finding " Friends in Need " the night of the day I was dx. My husband was out of town for his job, of course he came home the very next day. Karen and Susan kept me going, as well as reading all of the postings and responses. My God works miracles all of the time, and I KNOW it was a miracle finding "Friends in Need".

Louise

My husband was so wonderful! He was at my side 100%. My boys were at my side as well! Spenser (5) was just so compassionate making me pictures and "I love you" signs that I hung on my wall. My mother was with me throughout my surgeries and then for at least the first week of all my chemotherapy treatments. She kept my husband and boys fed, laundry caught up and house clean. My in-laws were just as helpful, along with my husband's aunt. Their prayers and daily support were so comforting.

My dad had a business to run and could not come down with my mom but during the spring while having treatments he tended his garden faithfully. He prided his Rose bushes as he had one for each of his daughters (3). However, he noticed that my Rose bush was not flourishing and he worried so much that it was a sign that I may not be doing well. He moved the rose bush to another part of the garden and it was there that it came alive and healthy! I will cherish that part of my story forever.

Anna

My husband Jim was my rock. He drove me for all the diagnostic testing, and just knowing that he was sitting in the waiting room made me feel loved and protected.

I remember after my lumpectomy, walking out and seeing his face, I felt like God had sent a special angel to help me. It was at this point that I think I truly realized how much I have been blessed by having this man in my life. He cried that day because he said when he saw the big sign reading "Cancer Center" the truth hit him. We both cried, holding hands and praying for God to get us through this.

My son and daughter came over that evening, and Jeff says he remembers seeing me looking vulnerable for the first time in his life he realized that his mother was human. He gave me a big big hug and said, "I love you my little mommy." My daugher Pam just looked and cried and said, "I know you will be alright mom, I love you." Such an emmotional day, with so much love and so many blessings.

I look back on it now and think how blessed I really am. To this day that love and support continues, but the crying has been replaced with laughter and always, always hope. My grandmother once said that if you are fortunate enough to have an abundance of love in your life, you must pass it on as many are suffering from lack of it. Those words are always in the back of my mind and I try very hard to share the love I have.

My faith was so important in my recovery and our Blessed Lord guided myself and my family. It is to Him I own all.

Tommie E, from Arkansas

My husband was so very supportive. He is my earthly rock - Jesus is my true Rock! He was very involved in the treatment decisions, and went to dr visits with me. As for my children, my daughter, now 26, has been here for me from the beginning. I think my son, now 33, is in denial still. He seldom asks how I am doing. It's as if, if he doesn't mention bc, then it didn't happen and will go away

Mindy in NY

I've had really good support, most especially from my oldest sister and my husband. I don't know how I could have done this without them.

My sister took a couple of weeks of her own vacation and personal time to help us when I had my surgery. She did research for me, took care of my kids and ran my household so my husband could be with me, bought me all kinds of post-op comfort aids, brought us food, alternated time off with my husband to take care of the kids and help me during the first couple of weeks at home, took me to doctor's appointments, helped me formulate my questions, even gave me a pedicure when I first got home from the hospital. My husband has been here for me every moment.

Kay from NH

As I sat in the docs office, waiting for the all clear, it didn't happen. He said, "YOU HAVE CANCER," I said "WHAT?"

I don't remember too much after those words. It is now 4 years later and I still find myself breathing with shallow breaths, my heart racing, my eyes slightly damp. Those 3 words 'YOU HAVE CANCER' bring all sorts of feelings. My husband said, "WE CAN DO THIS."

My daughter was by my side always encouraging, my grandchildren ages 7 & 13 wanted to know if I was going to die, my son, daughter in law and son in law were there offering support also. It was wonderful to have all this needed love and support, we cried and laughed together.

I kept a journal and wrote this:

At first I cried a lot..
then I cried a lot and laughed a little..
and now I cry a little and laugh a lot.

Janie

Other than the Lord Himself my husband was without a doubt my greatest source of strength.Looking back on it, it was a most difficult time for him and he rose to the challenge and he was and will always be my best friend.We have broken down in restaurants and cried publicly over the loss of our son together and here he was just a couple of months later facing the possibility that he could also lose me.

Terry is truly the 'man of my dreams' and I will forever give thanks to God for bringing us together when he was 18 and I was just 16.I cannot forget to include my youngest sister.She not only is a wonderful and faithful prayer warrior but a marvelous housekeeper also and she was by my side through out my ordeal.

Judie

My husband passed away on 7th January, 2000 after being sick and disabled for a very long time. For him, I'm sure it was a blessing, he only wanted to see the "New Millenium" and was ready to go after that. In a way I am glad that he was not here to have to deal with my diagnosis.

My family support includes 4 daughters, and a 14 year old grandson.I live with one daughter, and the other 3 live in Massachusetts. Two of them 3 hours away and the other 5 hrs away. They all supported me in their own way, but now only the oldest calls just to ask how I'm doing.

Sas

My hubby, Phil, was my guardian angel! My kiddos were 5, 9,10, and I was very active at their school until this diagnosis. I told them I was sick and that the doctor said I needed medicine that will make my hair fall out and kill the sickness.

My mom and dad-in-law came and stayed with the kids for 6 weeks while I was doing my stem cell in NC. My mom stayed at Duke with me 24/7 during my stemcell.

Sheila in MN

I was married at the young age of 19 in 1991, and we have no children. We had a very solid marriage going into this diagnosis, but it sure did test it. My automatic reflex was to go within myself and shut everyone else out. I felt as though this was my battle and I needed to fight it on my own. I felt that if I shut others out, they wouldn't be hurt when I died.

Looking back now (hindsight is always perfect vision), I realize that I was not fair to those around me. My husband was hurting as much as I was and he was feeling helpless. We made it through this journey ok and we are stronger now because of this experience. But, I must say, there were days when I really did not know how we would make it through. I applaud my husband for standing by me even when I made that a very difficult thing to do. He recognized that even when I was shutting him out, I needed him. His commitment to me is phenomenal and I will cherish that for the rest of my life.

Aussie Jo

When I was initially diagnosed my children were twins nearly 21 (in 2 weeks time) and a 23 year old son. My husband is not demonstrative. I am, but somehow it has not rubbed off on any of my children. My husband has a problem with showing any form of emotion or affection but after living with someone for a long while you know when they are feeling it.

I know they were all worried about me but all had trouble showing it. I know my daughter went around to her girlfriends house and sobbed into her mothers arms. (not mine and oh I wish she had,she did not want to upset me). I really needed lots of hugs and they were not forthcoming, from my family at any rate. I know they were all terribly worried but just did not know how to show it. They were all coming and going, uni, studying, work etc. so I just learned to get on getting on.

Maybe inretrospect, I pushed them away. My advice would be to tell your family what you want and initiate the hugs. Certainly they did not have any idea what I was going through. One thing I have learnt is that no one knows how you are feeling until they are in a similar situation themselves. On the other side of things you are able to be much more supportive to anyone undergoing some sort of life threatening illness and understand just what they are going through.

Kelly

Being diagnosed with cancer affects not only you but all those in your life. Some family members are able to rise to the challenge and intuitively know how to help like my mom. Others are at a loss for what to say or do and they need to be told how to help and some just can't handle it.

My husband wanted to fix me and he couldn't. After my surgery, he wanted desperately for us to go back to our old "normal" life. That life for me was forever gone. He coped by pretending the cancer didn't exist anymore. All through chemo and radiation, he acted like I was fine. Cancer can magnify any problems in your marriage. Thankfully cancer couldn't destroy the love that Bob and I feel for each other. It's taken work but we are still happily married. Thank you Patti for helping us to see the others perspective. You are the best.

Every member of my family (my parents, brother, sister-in -laws) have been there to catch me when I've stumbled. I can't imagine how hard it is to see a family member sick. I appreciate their ability to listen to me without passing any judgment and for putting up with me at my worse.

Of course, my son, is my ray of sunshine everyday. I thank him for being my reason to get out of bed everyday. For being the reason, I will beat this disease. The best thing for me is that he was too young to understand. I was always the same old mom to him.

Hally` aka hally`day_name_person

Hubby was my rock. My kids aged 9 and 11 at the time helped keep me focused on fighting this disease with everything that was offered so I could see them grow up. My mother didn't help me, my brothers didn't even acknowledge my disease.