'Taking One Day At A Time - Just Winging It '

written by members of Friends in Need

Kim in MI I guess I will always be afraid of this awful thing coming back. But I have a lot of faith in God, and I know He gives me the strength to get through all of this. Ceil in Indy Having survived three cancers, that is not one of my fears, and being a Grandmother with no little ones dependent on me for their care, is also a big help in the fear department. I would love to be around to see them grow up but know their life would go on even if I weren't in it. My fear is something that would not kill me, or at least take a very long time doing it. Alzheimers ranks the highest on my list after seeing a very close friend go through that and another one in the beginning stages. A stroke would be my next fear or anything that would leave me a vegetable. I also feel these would be harder on my family than my death would. I have a strong faith in God and the life hereafter, He promised us and while I would like to enjoy many more happy years with my hubby and growing family, I do know that the best is yet to come. Sherri I always had a fear of dying. Once I found Jesus and he came into my heart, that went away. For I know now when I die where I am going. When I found out I had breast cancer dying isn't what scared me. I was more scared of if something did happen to me I didn't make it through this, what would happen to my son. I can't leave him, so that motivated me to fight and beat this. The other thing that scared me was the not knowing. Not knowing what was going to happen to me, what I had to go through, just the normal fears. No matter how scared I got or still get at times, I know that I have the best protector on my side. SammyS I guess my biggest fear is the cancer showing up again, either a recurrence or mets. But I have decided that I can’t live my life every day, afraid of what might happen. I want to live life to the fullest and enjoy every day. Everyone keeps telling me how courageous I have been. I don’t feel it, I am just doing what anyone in my situation would do, and then moving on with my life. Of course there are moments that the fear surfaces, but I refuse to let it rule my life! Taybee Fear about my future entered my life about three years ago when one day I felt I had to prepare for something big. I kept telling my husband,"I have a terrifying feeling, a sense of doom." "Don't be dramatic," he would say. I fear leaving my son, I fear the pain that he would feel, and I fear my son feeling alone. I fear that fear has become so familiar, like an unwanted companion, like a shadow taking every step I take. I fear cancer. I wish I could run from it or hide so it could no longer find me. I fear every visit to the doctor, every test, more surgery, and more chemo. Ultimately my faith in God is what keeps me grounded and I know that God will help me overcome my fears. Louise Lets just say I was really freaked out! Very frightened! Being so young at diagnosis and having no clue as to what to expect, having two young boys aged 2 and 5 at the time and overwhelmed with the unknown - will I live, will I die? I had no idea that a surgeon had to do the biopsy, I just thought that my gyno could do this. I was so worried about being referred to the surgeon. That is how I met Friends In Need. My first post was all about the beginnings of my journey. I feared the surgery for the lumpectomy, then the surgery for the node removal. I remember praying to the Lord up above for negative nodes as I think I ultimately feared chemotherapy the most. When told that 2 of the nodes were cancerous I was devastated. I knew then that chemotherapy was a must. I feared the chemotherapy primarily because I could not fathom the idea of losing my hair. Then I feared the radiation treatments and having to take Tamoxifen. Another difficult and scary decision I had to make was with my ovaries. The doctor recommended I supress the estrogen production in my body in some way. I opted to have them removed for my own peace of mind. Each step of the way was met with fear and at the same time great support of my FIN Angels, family and friends, neighbors and many strangers too. Even now I still fret at the thought of bloodwork, mammograms, BSE's and check ups with the oncologist. Usually they all turn out fine. I find myself crying tears of relief after each check. I know I will have some fear forever. I believe this is normal and it makes hearing the good news even better. Jacky My greatest fear is not of my dying as I do believe in God and the immortal soul, but I am so afraid of leaving my children behind. I believe they need a mother so badly. My two children are from two different marriages, so if I die,they will be separated and raised by two different men. My kids are only 5 and 10 at this writing and I so want to see them bar/bat mitzvahed, graduated from high school, college, married and with children of their own. If I can at least be here to see them off to college, that would be enough (not great, but enough). Kay in NH I don't have any fears. I feel a little 'touchy' a few days before my mammos, blood tests and any x-rays. It has been 4 years since my dx (7/99). My radiation onc said to me, "Something is gonna get you. You ain't gettin' outa here alive, and it probably won't be the cancer that gets you." He said, enjoy and live life and if it feels good..do it." That's what I have tried to live by. Before dx it was, 'I'll do it tomorrow' but now I live for today, maybe that's why I have no fears. Tommie E, from Arkansas Fears - yeah, I have fears. My journey of survivorship actually started in Aug of 1970 - 33 years ago. I was 23. I had a newborn son (he was 4 weeks and 1 day old) when I heard these words for the first time, "You have cancer." I was dx with lympho-sarcoma, a type of non-Hodgkins lymphoma. Usually very fast growing, and almost always fatal. I was treated with high doses of radiation, considered to be experimental. I was told that even though I went into remission, I would never be cured. I was told that I would not live to see my son grow up. For the next 30 1/2 years, everytime I had an ache or pain, I was scared spitless. Because of the high dose of rads, I had many complications. As a result, I have had numerous surgeries. Each time, I have been scared that I would hear those 3 words again. When I did, I thought bc was a death sentence. It was not until I started this particular journey that I learned otherwise. I still worry about cancer coming back - bc mets, or lymphoma. I am not afraid of dying. I know that I will see Jesus. But I'm not ready to go be with Him just yet. I want to live long enough to see grandbabies!! Mindy in NY Ever since my first child was born, I was afraid that I'd die before my children could remember me. My own father died when I was very young and I have no memory of him, so I was devastated by the idea that my children would lose the bond they have to me. My biggest fear right now is recurrence. I can get through anything I have to, as long as I know that I'm going to live, but since my cancer was detected by coincidence, it's not like I'm ever going to have a normal mammogram and feel that things are just fine. I've known women who turned out to be metastatic quite some time after their cancer was treated and they were supposed to be okay, this is really frightening to me. Janie I am aware that there are those who struggle with it and I will say right from the get-go by nature I tend to be a fearful person but many many years ago I was struggling with this awful thing called fear and I was led to a scripture that says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of love and a sound mind." In reading this verse one realizes several things. One is that fear is the opposite of a sound mind and another is that fear is a spirit and I realized that the 'enemy' loves to play upon our fears and torment us, so I refuse to be a part of his scheme and so totally rely upon this scripture whenever I feel that 'spirit of fear' creeping upon me trying to steal my faith. Faith is the opposite of fear. Faith is the only 'defensive' weapon mentioned in the Bible. Ephesians 6:6 says to "Put on the shield of faith with which we are able to quench all." Many times I find myself going back to the word of God because I know that the Bible also says, "Faith comes by hearing and hearing comes by the word of God," so my faith is built up as I read His Word and my fears begin to dissipate as I begin to meditate. When it comes time for a test or mammogram I so totally rely upon the Word to get me through without that nauseating feeling of dread that begins to knaw at the back of your mind days and sometimes weeks before. Judie I had never even known anyone with breast cancer so I had no idea of what to expect and every new test or treatment terrified me. My life will never be the same again and every little pain or bump makes me think 'cancer'. I am hoping with time the fear will lesson. I have four grown daughters that I worry about because they are now more at risk of getting breast cancer because of me. Sas I think we all have the fear of this danged bc coming back. Leaving our children and family before we feel it's our time. In the beginning it is so very scarey, but during this time, I met up with God once again and he helped me with my fears. I still have fears of recurrence yes, but they are not as vivid as they were 6 or 7 years ago, time heals all things. I have Phil check my mastectomy scar every 2 weeks now, instead of every night, to make sure it feels the same, and every little ache and pain, well, I am 49 going on ½ century in September and sure am thankful to be reaching the big 50! Waiting for test results is always an anxious time still for me, but I have Phil, and I have FIN to vent to when I need support. Sheila in MN The different feelings of fear I went through in my diagnosis, treatment and life beyond treatment are great. Initially I was shocked at being told right before my 26th birthday that I had breast cancer. This just wasn't something that I felt I would face at such a young age. Fear soon kicked in and I did not know how I would survive this. I was afraid for my husband and how he would live without me when I died. When I educated myself and realized that this did not have to be a death sentence, I became afraid of the treatments. I had never had surgery before and I remember laying in the pre-operative area shaking from the cold and from the fear of not knowing what would happen to me. I was afraid of the chemotherapy treatments and how I would feel throughout this time. I was afraid of losing my hair. I was afraid of not being able to continue my career. I was afraid of radiation. I can say that each step of the way, the new things scared me. However, with determination I continued to educate myself and face each step knowing that I was doing everything I could to save my life. I remember looking forward to my last treatment and how I could not wait for that day to come. Then, when that day came and I walked out of the doctor's office knowing that I would not return for a whole month, I was afraid! Suddenly I was no longer taking a proactive role in fighting this disease. I felt as though I was passively waiting for the cancer's return. Every ache scared me. My lack of energy scared me. I remember wondering if there would ever again be a day that I didn't awake with fear of this disease returning being the first and last things I thought about. Well, somehow that day sneaks right in there when you aren't looking. I can't remember exactly when it happened, but it did - thankfully! Kelly I want to say the fear of dying but that's not really true. We all die. I am not afraid of dying per say. My fear is of not seeing Shamus grow up, of my dying before he can understand. I have this fear of my passing and him falling down and crying mommy and not understanding why mommy isn't there. I don't want him to feel abandoned or sad. My fear is that more and more young women will be diagnosed and die before a cure can be found. That I would die a few months before the "miracle" drug is approved. . Aussie Jo Eleven years post dx and the fear is still there. Fear of having to go through more treatment, fear of leaving my family, fear of not seeing my grandchildren grow up, the list goes on and on. However, my mother is 83 and she has fear too, the same as me, fear of, well, dying. So, somehow or other I don't think this thing called fear will ever leave me. Prior to having breast cancer though I certainly did not have a fear of dying, I expected to live a full and healthy life like my mum. That's why anyone with a life threatening illness has a different outlook on life, they have developed this FEAR. As Hally` says, fear was a hard topic to answer so this is my interpretation. . Hally` aka hally`day_name_person Fears, this is the hardest of all the questions to answer. Yes, I worry about a recurrence, but more than anything I worry about losing more of my FIN sisters to this blasted disease. It still hurts from the passing of Janine, Katpa, Tandi, GN, Susan M and others. Susan in Oz Personally, I feel that the "Fear of the known" is as bad as the "Fear of the unknown." I myself do not particularly have many fearful times where my own dx of breast cancer is concerned. I do get anxious of course when it is time to get the results of my yearly tests. Not anxious regarding having the actual scans etc, but anxious before I read the results. Maybe my fear has just subsided as more years have gone by since my dx. I do however have fear for my children, my grandhcildren and of course for all those people who have not been dx with breast cancer and for those who are being told at this time of writing, " You have breast cancer." This is the fear I feel by knowing much of the realities of this disease. I do not have a fear of dying, or a fear of recurrence. I have done all I can do at this point in time to help me with my survival. Should I ever have to face another dx I know I will just do exactly what I did nearly nine years ago. Take my treatments and pray that the good Lord keeps shining his healing light upon me. There is a very wise lady who is a member of the FIN forum and she always says, "Let Go and Let God," and that is what I do and it works for me. When it is my time to be with my maker, then so be it but until then I will continue to " Smile and Survive."